Friends Helping Friends

Friends are an important part of anyone’s life and they can become like your second family. You start to spend all of your time with them, talk about everything with them, and you may start to feel the closest with them. With that being said, you know a lot about their personal life. Friends share things with you that they have never shared with anyone else. Statistics shows that 80% of teens go to their friends when they need help with something.

1 in 3 teens are in an abusive relationship, but out of those victims of dating abuse, only 33% of them ever tell someone about them being abused according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It’s so easy to just automatically think, “Why don’t they just leave?”, but it’s important to think “Why can’t they leave?’ or “What is keeping them from leaving?”. So, if a friend comes to you about them being abused, it really shows the amount of trust that they have in you.

What should I do if a friend comes to me about an abusive partner?

Let them know they are NOT alone and let them know you are there for them. Ultimately, your friend just needs someone to talk to. Don’t try to fix the situation for him or her. Just let your friend know you’ll be the friend they can come to for anything. Don’t share anything that is discussed between you and your friend to anybody else, unless you need to speak to a trusted adult about the situation.

Don’t pressure them to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. The truth is, some people have their breaking point or the point when they know they have had enough and some people just don’t. Some people could also get to that point and leave, but return to their abuser. Statistics have shown that a victim of abuse will return to their abuser an average of 7 times. It’s important to let them make that decision by themselves, but stay by their side through whatever they choose.

Don’t be judgmental or make your friend feel ashamed. Being judgmental of a person’s situation could make them not want to tell anyone else about what they’re going through. Instead, act natural about the situation and don’t treat your friend differently than you always have. Be the “you” that your friend knows in order to keep things as normal as possible.

Remind them that abuse is NEVER deserved and help them understand that it is NOT their fault. Abusers often use forms of power and control over their partner. They may minimize/deny/blame, and may use isolation, and/or intimidation to control. Abusers can continuously tell their victim that they are the reason that they are being abused, and victims usually start to believe it. Your friend needs to know that abuse is not “normal.” It’s important to remind your friend that abuse is a CHOICE, and no matter the circumstance it’s not a consequence to an action of theirs.

Helping a friend who is a victim of abuse can be frustrating, or maybe even scary. You might not even know what to do or say and that’s okay. The important thing to do is let them know you’re there for them and you’re there to support them.

There is a lot of help for victims of abuse. If you or someone you know needs information or support, the Marjaree Mason Center has a 24-hour confidential hotline that anyone can call. The number is 559-233-HELP. Loveisrepect.org also provides online chatting with trained peer advocates that is available 24/7. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

- Alyssa Vallejo, Youth Education Specialist