Why Don’t They Just Leave?

Abusive relationships are often very complex. If you have never been in an abusive relationship, it might be easy to judge a situation based purely off observations. The question of, “why don’t they just leave” is one of the most commonly asked questions. It is a simple question, but it does not give enough credit to how complicated the situation could actually be. A question like this might make a victim feel as though their fault for staying in abusive relationships. It is important to recognize that there are many different reasons why people might stay in abusive relationships, and a few of them are listed below.

-          FEAR OF THEIR PARTNER. This can also be described as the fear of retaliation from their partner. This means that they might be afraid that their partner might harm them for breaking up with them and trying to seek help. Harm doesn’t just mean physical harm, but also emotional harm. They could be afraid that the abuser might stalk and continue to intimidate them. They might even think that the abuse will never end, so there would be no point in attempting to leave their partner.

-          FEAR OF NOT BEING BELIEVED. Many people do not realize the extent of teen dating violence, or even what it is. It is hard to think abuse could be happening to someone so young, and the fact is that most people do not think teen dating violence is a problem. If someone comes to you, the best thing to tell someone is that you believe them.

-          FEAR OF BEING OUTED. This is something that is unique for those who identify as LGBTQ. If someone isn’t out to everyone, this can be a devastating result. Their partner may threaten to reveal this to everyone. It’s also possible that they might think that there isn’t help for those who identify as LGBTQ. It is difficult for LGBTQ youth since they are just starting to figure out who they are and how they feel.

-          NOT KNOWING WHERE/HOW TO GET HELP. There are many resources out there, but when you do not know what they are, it can make it extremely difficult to get help. Most often teens think that they are alone and that there is no one that could possibly understand what they are going through.

-          BELIEVING ABUSE IS NORMAL. Violence is a learned behavior. Some ways we can learn it is through family, friends, and media. Growing up around this violence can lead teens to believe that violence is normal. This means that someone might not even realize that their relationship is abusive. Even if someone didn’t grow up in an abusive environment, there is still the possibility that this is their first relationship. They might think that this is what love is and how a relationship should be. 

-          LOVE. They might genuinely be in love with their partner. Maybe their partner told them that they were going to change, or made a promise along those lines. We all want to believe someone we love when they make us promises. Someone might want the violence and abuse to stop, but this does not mean that they necessarily want the relationship to completely end.

Always remember that teen dating abuse might not be as simple as it might seem, but there are often many driving facts that prevent someone from leaving. Instead of asking, “why don’t you just leave” instead trying asking, “what is preventing you from leaving” since it allows the person a chance to explain the difficulty of the situations without minimizing it. It will also give you the opportunity to offer to find them resources and help.

The Marjaree Mason Center has a 24-hour confidential hotline that anyone can call for advice and support. The number is (559) 233-HELP (4357).

Check out some of our other resources and blog posts if you want more information and knowledge on how to help you, your friends, or your family!

- Megan Oleski, Youth Education Specialist